Me Have Questions

From: Lulu Blue
To: askroseanne@roseanneworld.com
Date: Feb 3, 2008 12:28 PM
Subject: ‘Fat Butt’

Hello, Ms. Roseanne Barr!

So I was waiting to drive my mother’s dog home after its therapy session (the poor dear, a two-year-old Chihuahua named Señor Weasel, hasn’t been the same since he was traumatized at an early age when he accidentally saw Rush Limbaugh on television), and I overheard two women in the reception area discussing the fact that AOL named roseanneworld.com one of the worst celebrity blogs on the planet.

“They criticized her for posting political comments,” one woman said. “And for mentioning a nude painting called ‘Fat Butt’. As if that’s some sort of crime.”

“Well, it’s shameful,” the second woman said. “All this trouble with the war and the economy and they have time to make disparaging remarks about someone’s right to free speech.”

“And someone’s right to a fat butt,” the first woman added.

As I continued listening to their animated discussion about your fat butt, several questions popped into my head:
1. Is the painting actually of your rear?
2. Who painted ‘Fat Butt’ and when was it completed?
3. Do you plan on selling reproductions of ‘Fat Butt’ on your website?
4. If so, when will ‘Fat Butt’ be available?

Long story short: I have been a fan for years and love your blog almost as much as I love saying fat butt.

Thank you for making me smile. Again.

All the best,
Lulu Blue

From: Lulu Blue
To: captainkazoo@gmail.com
Date: Feb 10, 2008 2:10 PM
Subject: Kazooz Rulz!Hello, Captain Kazoo!

My nephew, Eduardo Louis Cohen, is working on a presentation for music class about the history of the kazoo. While helping Eduardo with some Internet research (he must have parental supervision due to the playboy.com incident a few months ago), I discovered your extensive website about kazoos.

Eduardo is so fond of the kazoo that he recently “borrowed” $195 from his mother’s “mad” money to get a tattoo on his left bicep: Kazooz Rulz!

Since Eduardo’s presentation will determine whether or not he can advance to the 10th grade, I hope you might have time for a few quick questions:
1. Your website includes photos of yourself with many famous people, including Prince Charles, Camilla Parker-Bowles, the singer/songwriter Donovan and Ronald McDonald. Have you taught anyone famous to play the kazoo? If so, can Eduardo include the name and date of the lesson in his report for music class?
2. Would you say the kazoo is less or more difficult to master than the clarinet?
3. What is your favorite brand of kazoo?
4. Have you written any compositions exclusively for the kazoo?

Thank you for your time and assistance! Eduardo and I will look forward to your reply.

All the best,
Lulu BlueFrom: Howard Capp
To: Lulu Blue
Date: Feb 16, 2008 4:48 AM
Subject: Re: Kazooz Rulz!Dear Lulu Blue & Eduardo,

Here are my answers to your ???

Q. Your website includes photos of yourself with many famous people, including Prince Charles, Camilla Parker-Bowles, the singer/songwriter Donovan and Ronald McDonald. Have you taught anyone famous to play the kazoo? If so, can Eduardo include the name and date of the lesson in his report for music class?

A, YES, I taught Ronald how to play the HUMBURGER KAZOO. I believe it was on a sunny day in May of 2000.

Q, Would you say the kazoo is less or more difficult to master than the clarinet?

A. MORE, the Clarinet has keys to make the notes making it VERY EZY to master. The main body of most clarinets is divided into the upper joint whose holes and most keys are operated by the left hand, and the lower joint with holes and most keys operated by the right hand. (Some clarinets have a single joint. On some basset horns and larger clarinets the two joints are held together with a screw clamp and are usually not disassembled for storage.) The left thumb operates both a tone hole and the register key. Interestingly, on some models of clarinet, such as many Albert system clarinets, and increasingly some higher-end Boehm system clarinets, the register key is a ‘wraparound’ key, with the key on the back of the clarinet and the pad on the front. As well as the slightly exotic look this lends to the clarinet, advocates of the wraparound register key advocate improved sound, as well as the benefit that it is harder for condensation to accumulate in the tube beneath the pad.

The KAZOO is ALL MIND WORK…NO MIND, NO WORK !

Q. What is your favorite brand of kazoo?

A. VINTAGE TIN, PLASTIC IS FOR THE BIRDS, THE EAGLES AND THE MONKEES.

Q. Have you written any compositions exclusively for the kazoo?

A. YES, MY COMPOSITION “FLAMENKAZOO” is available on CD. Log on to KAZOOZ RECORDS at: http://www.captainkazoo.com/FLAMZ.HTML.

Of course…I’m being a bit facetious but in all honesty what else can I say except…

THANX FOR ASKIN’ & KEEP ON HUMMIN’.

 
From: Lulu Blue
To: info@icbe.org
Date: Feb 16, 2008 1:11 PM
Subject: Chihuahua Bathroom Etiquette

Hello, Dr. Sykes!

I could kiss you! I’ve been searching high and low for a guide to bathroom etiquette and I just learned of your organization, The International Center for Bathroom Etiquette. I hope you can help resolve a messy situation for my mother and her beloved pet Chihuahua, Señor Weasel.

In short, Señor Weasel refuses to tinkle or poop in the traditional locations for a Chihuahua. Instead, he insists on using the urinals and toilets in my mother’s Palm Beach residence. Although one would think mother would be pleased that Señor Weasel is doing his duty in a clean and orderly manner, mother is outraged that the $3,500 she spent on potty training lessons for Señor Weasel have resulted in an occasionally embarrassing dilemma for her male guests and suitors. (She recently divorced her fourth husband and is now on the prowl for her fifth mate.)

Can you provide bathroom etiquette for Chihuahuas? Do you think it’s unusual that Señor Weasel prefers urinals and toilets over the great outdoors? Have you heard of this type of behavior before?

Thank you for your time, Dr. Sykes. If you have any suggestions for Señor Weasel, we will all be exceptionally grateful.

All the best,
Lulu Blue

From: mike@icbe.org
To: Lulu Blue
Date: Feb 16, 2008 5:40 PM
Subject: Re: Chihuahua Bathroom Etiquette

Careful Lulu,

I’m a married man! But seriously, Señor Weasel sounds like a pretty clever dog to me. Clearly it’s unusual behavior, but I have a hard time finding much wrong with a dog who likes to use a toilet! There’s quite a bit of information about toilet training cats, but not as much for our canine friends.

That said, I also understand why your mom is frustrated after spending $3500 trying to educate Señor Weasel without any success. I’ve got to say though, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. If Señor Weasel isn’t going on the floor, staining the carpet or ruining the bedspreads, I say leave him be. Any man who’s going to have a long term relationship with your mother is going to need to grow to love Señor Weasel for all of his quirks.

Good luck!

From: Lulu Blue
To: popcandy@usatoday.com
Date: Tue, Feb 5, 2008
Subject: Cure for Insomnia?

Hello, Whitney!

Okay, so it’s confession time: I’m a big fan of your genius Pop Candy column in USA Today. It’s the first thing I read in the morning and the last thing I reread at night. And reread again. And again. And again. Which, sad to say, is the reason I’m writing to you today.

I just read today’s column and have a quick question. You mentioned that you fell asleep when you started watching American Gangster, the Denzel Washington/Russell Crowe film.

Do you think the film might help cure my insomnia? I’ve tried every over-the-counter and prescription sleep aid available. Hot milk doesn’t work. Meditation was a bust. Large tumblers of scotch failed to do the trick. At this point, I’m supremely desperate and wanted to know if you thought American Gangster might be the magic bullet.

I know you’re not a medical professional or anything, but I wanted to know: Do you recommend American Gangster as a cure for sleeplessness

Thank you so much for your witty column and for a ray of hope that I may have found a remedy for my problem. I look forward to hearing from you!

All the best,
Lulu Blue

From: wmatheso@usatoday.com
To: Lulu Blue
Date: Fri, Feb 15, 2008 at 6:19 PM
Subject: RE: Cure for Insomnia?

Haha, I don’t know if that movie is the cure for insomnia … it’s kind of violent. But there are many movies out there that could be! Or TV shows — personally, reality TV puts me to sleep every time!

- whit

From: Lulu Blue
To: Products@modcloth.com
Date: Feb 12, 2008
Subject: Kirsten Bow Top

Hello Mod Cloth Support Crew!
I have a few urgent questions and wanted to get in touch with you today so that my mother’s ex-parole officer’s daughter’s birthday isn’t spoiled. Again.D’Eborah, mother’s ex-PO’s little girl (she’ll be 8 next month), has fallen in love with the Kirsten Bow Top.Except, as with most children, she’s a bit picky.

So I wanted to know:1. Is the top available in pink and lime-green plaid?
2. Do you think the “big ol’ bow across the bust” will look appropriate on an 8-year-old?
3. Do you personally own a Bow Top? If so, do you recommend wearing it with heels or flats?

Thank you so much! I’ll look forward to your reply so we can resolve the birthday gift dilemma soon!

All the best,
Lulu Blue

From: Products@modcloth.com
To: Lulu Blue
Date: Feb 13, 2008 9:17 AM
Subject: [#ZSH-499606]: Kirsten Bow Top

Hello Lulu,

It’s so sweet that you’re putting so much time and attention into a birthday present! The blue plaid is the only color offered by the manufacturer in this style of shirt. The bow is fine for all ages, it doesn’t add any kind of risque’ element to the shirt at all. And finally, i would suggest wearing it with flats. It’s more playful than dressy. I don’t own one yet, but I usually end up buying most of what we have. I, personally, think it’s adorable and would be great for a young, stylish girl.

Feel free to send over any other questions you may have, and happy shopping!

Cheers,
Lindsay Williams
ModCloth.com

From: Lulu Blue

To: info@thehautehound.com

Date: Feb 10, 2008 12:32 PM

Subject: Royal Dragon Barkadeer Dog Sandals

Hello!I was thrilled to discover your site and even more excited to find Royal Dragon Barkadeer Dog Sandals!I’ve been looking for a birthday gift for my mother’s Chihuahua, Señor Weasel, and I think the Barkadeer Dog Sandals may be perfect! Señor Weasel is a HUGE Harry Potter fan, so the dragon design on the top of the sandal will remind mother’s little man of his beloved bedtime story.Before I order the sandals, I have a couple of quick questions:
1. Will the Royal Dragon Barkadeer Dog Sandals fit a Chihuahua?
2. Are they available in other colors?
3. How do the rubber soles do on wet teak? Mother spends quite a bit of time on her boyfriend’s yacht, so I imagine Señor Weasel will wear his sandals on the deck while at sea.

From: info@thehautehound.com

To: Lulu Blue

Date: Feb 11, 2008 2:16 PM

Subject: Re: Royal Dragon Barkadeer Dog SandalsHello Lulublue,Thank you for your inquiry!The dragon sandals are available in brown, pink, and red. You can see them at: http://stores.thehautehound.com/-strse-ACCESSORIES-cln-Shoes/Categories.bokThey are made for dogs 15lb and under, so yes they will fit a chihuahua. There are three sizes available depending on weight and measurements. They do have a rubber sole with grips so should work okay on a boat deck.

From: Lulu Blue
To: fredkaufman@verizon.net
Date: Feb 9, 2008 2:33 PM
Subject: We love your Stomach!
 

Hello, Fred! I just finished devouring your delicious new book, A Short History of the American Stomach! Actually, I read it aloud to my mother, who is recuperating from a tummy tuck and breast augmentation. Although she appreciated the pain medication prescribed by her doctor, she felt your “hip, journalistic approach to America’s all-consuming relationship to the gut” (to quote Publishers Weekly) was incredibly restorative and beneficial to her healing process.

So anyway, after reading the final pages of your book, I have a few questions:
1. Do you plan to write any sequels to A Short History of the American Stomach? I’ve traveled extensively and feel that A Short History of the Canadian Stomach, A Short History of the Peruvian Stomach or A Short History of the African-American Stomach might be equally engaging and thought-provoking.
2. What’s your favorite food?
3. Do you have a favorite restaurant?
4. Do you cook at home? If so, do you have a favorite cookbook?

I’ve just ordered a copy of Manuel Alvarez Bravo: Photographs and Memories, even though it doesn’t sound like it has anything to do with stomachs.

Thank you again for your wonderful book!

All the best,
Lulu Blue